RISE AXELBLOG

Fantasy Football is back in full swing and, in honor of the time-wasted tradition, I will be returning to my 2008 roots to bring back Fantasy Football Rip Week.  My new team, The Gold Hearted Virginians, is sure to succeed.  Unfortunately, I missed week 1, which I won, so in leu of that update, I will give you my Fantasy Football Rip Week Hall of Fame as well as a rip on my own starters.  Enjoi:

The Gold Hearted Virginians:

• QB Tony Romo- You play like you should be bussing tables at Tony Roma’s.  Go make me some ribs, bitch!
• RB Adrian Peterson- Might as well be Lacy Peterson because you’re gonna get KILLED this season.
• RB Reggie Bush- Kim Kardashian won’t be the only person DROPPING your ass this year.  You’re supposed to be a running back, not a run-to-the-side back.
• WR Miles Austin- You play like Jane Austen out there.  The chances of you having another good season are Miles away.
• WR Dwayne Bowe- Bowe knows failure.  What he doesn’t know is how to get more than 1 catch per game.
• WR Jabar Gaffney- Jabar Gag-me with a spoon.  Who would start such a treacherous player.  Wes Welker made you obsolete in NE…AND HE WAS WHITE!
• TE Brent Celek- I would rather have Tom Selleck than this fat piece of shit!
• DEF Steelers- This is the best Defense in the league…oh…wait…ITS NOT 2006! 
• K Lawrence Tynes- I think it might be Tynes for your old ass to retire.

Hall of Fame:

QB Eli Manning-  Eli Manning as your #1 quarterback?  He’s not even the #1 Manning in the NFL!  Eli Manning is one patchy beard away from being on Megan’s Law.  Picture it.

RB Willis McGahee:  What you talking bout Willis? Because I know it is not about you starting this weekend.  Your running back sounds like a homosexual hamburger at Mcdonald’s.

B Mewelde Moore- What kind of name is Mewelde?  For just pennies a day, you can help support a 3rd string Pittsburgh RB.

WR Braylon Edwards: Good thing you play for the Browns, ‘cause you are gonna get shitted on in Week 1.  Pac Man Jones is gonna treat you like a Night Club bouncer and leave you in a wheelchair.

WR Josh Moran-  You gotta be a Moron to start Moran.  This guy just sounds like a chess team captain.  Now he’s got a groin problem?  How did he manage to hurt his groin from the bench?

WR Empty:  Probably a good idea.  If I had Domenik Hixon and Anthony Gonzalez I wouldn’t start them either.

TE Kevin Boss:  More like Kevin Lower Level Employee.  The only thing you are the boss of is that bench you sit on while the offense is on the field.

Def Colts:  There hasn’t been a good defense in Indy since the San Diego Chargers visited.  Colts Defense is like an oxymoron.

K John Kasay: Ka-say it aint so!  Kasay sucks so bad he cant even spell Casey right.  I hope your leg falls off and you get syphilis.