RISE AXELBLOG

And as is tradition on this blog, I must make it my duty to thoroughly annihilate my opponents verbally on the internet before I do so physically on the field.

Week 1, I am playing Bryan Fortner and his team, Taste the Dwayne Bowe; a name that would have been clever two years ago but is now over-used and unoriginal. 

Normally I would rip my opponents team no matter how good they look, how much they are projected to beat me by or how many of my Eagles are on the roster.  Everything is fair game and I pull no punches.  This week, though, I have the pleasure of playing against possibly the worst starting linup week 1 has ever seen.

I present to you, Taste The Dwayne Bowe.  Let the rip commence:

• QB Donovan McNabb- When you were 6, Donovan was coming into the NFL.  When you were 15, Donovan was an elite QB.  Now you’re 22 and Donovan is a pathetic washed up has-been.  He reminds me of Steve McNair.  Not his skills so much, I would just prefer it if his mistress shot him.
• RB Mike Tolbert- He’s as wide as he is tall.  For his 40 time, they put a tub of Ben & Jerrys at the end.  Your #1 RB is San Diego’s #2 RB?  HA!  What, was Kendall Hunter already taken?
• RB Kendall Hunter- OH…MY…HORRIBLE!  You would be better off starting Shawn Hunter of Boy Meets World fame.  Of all the nobody’s in the game, he is the nobody-est.
• WR Santana Moss- Randy Moss’ less talented little sister.  I will give you credit, he does average about 6 catches per game…for 12 yards.  And the Redskins are such a high-scoring team.
• WR Dwayne Bowe- As a previous Bowe-Owner (Boner?) I can tell you to fully expect 5 weeks of god-aweful football from Bowe. Don’t worry though, by week 7 he will be hitting his stride and you will be 1-6.
• WR Stevie Johnson- Lets hope Jesus doesn’t force him to drop any more passes this year.  After his tweet, Jamarcus Russell came out and said, “Jesus?  Yeah Jesus made me suck ass too!”  But with a stud like Ryan Fitzpatrick under center, how can he NOT be good.
• TE Tony Gonzalez- Tony is determined to stay in the league until they recognize his request for a Seniors Tour like the PGA has.  Until then, you are starting the football equivalent of Robert Parish in 1997.
• DEF Steelers- I must admit, this is a good D….Is what your sister told me last night! BOOM, Roasted!
• K Adam Vinatieri-  Vinatieri is one of the best kickers in the game of footbal…wait, its not 2005?  In that case.  Vinatieri is one of the best kickers in the city of Indianapolis.